[0:00] Hello, and welcome to Two Wives and a Baby.

[0:04] I'm Poppy Popstein. I'm Flaps McGee. She was eating a cookie, folks. She's eating on the job. Well, I really hope there aren't mouth sounds. I can hear you drinking that water. Well, this makes me think of something. When you're in a movie, like in a movie theater watching a movie, are you self-conscious of your mouth sounds? Not at the movies, but I am in my cubicle at work. I started getting paranoid that every time I take a bite or eat like my breakfast or lunch. People are listening. My cubicle neighbor. Let's give him a name. Well, my cubicle neighbor, I feel like he gets up and leaves. So I'm like, am I eating loudly? Which one? Phelps or Ice Picker? Michael Phelps. Well, maybe he. Well, there is a phobia or whatever. No, I think it's just he likes to get up a lot. He listens to this show sometimes. So how you doing, Michael Phelps? You know who I'm talking about.

[1:05] Misophonia, condition characterized by an intense dislike or aversion to certain sounds, particularly those related to the mouth. Speaking of Michael Phelps, let's just call him Phelps.

[1:18] I also wasn't finished with the mouth sounds. Oh, I'm sorry. We can move on to Phelps. All right. But I want to circle back to the mouth sounds. This next segment is Called Lunch With My Cubicle Neighbor, Michael Phelps.

[1:33] Music.

[1:39] The reason we call them Phelps. Is it the real Michael Phelps? It's not the real Michael Phelps, but they are. Did you know the real Michael Phelps has like four children? Mm. One's named Boomer. I think I knew that. Phelps of ding dong. So it is a very boring, dull environment where I walk. So we get our thrills where we can. Have we talked about the ice picking? Oh, wait. So let me just tell you why we call him Phelps. It's because... Can I guess? Does he swim?

[2:22] Or is he very tall with large ears? No, he is... Cut that. That wasn't nice. That's okay. Phelps does have large ears. Yeah, it was just factual. And he is tall. He has an interesting physique. You know who has big ears? What's her name? Kate Hudson. Kate Hudson. Did you forget her name? Yeah, I forgot her name. But she's got some ears on her. Oh, my God. Fievel goes west. She makes Dumbo look... Deaf. That doesn't make sense. That makes zero sense. But I liked it. You delivered it like it should. All right. So Phelps, they like to swim. And basically what they did earlier on last year, actually it was closer to when we started.

[3:11] That's our ice maker. They decided to get some exercise during the lunch break. And they decided, hey, why don't I go swimming on my lunch break? The genius of it was is that when they came back from swimming and the other thing is we only have like a half-hour lunch break. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. And I think it took them like 10 minutes to get there. So they probably were dipping their toes in maybe one or two laps, call it a day. Yeah. Because you got to disrobe, put on the suit, shower, take it off, redress, groom. It's a lot. And because there were time constraints, they would come back and they were very concerned that their bathing suit and towel would be wet and then... Mildew? Mildew when they got home. So they decided to... Really? There's just not enough time for that to happen. Right. Well, I don't know. Maybe it wasn't mildew. Maybe they were bored. I don't know. Probably that. But the important thing is that I was very entertained. Yeah. Because what they did is they installed a clothing line, like a laundry line. Oh. A laundry line. That sounds, yeah. In the cubicle. Sounds like it had an added benefit of also giving some privacy, if I'm imagining it correctly. Yeah.

[4:41] No, no, it didn't, it didn't add any privacy. It wasn't like a makeshift door. No, no, it wasn't that obvious. No, it was on the side, like, you know, and they would hang up their swim trunks and towel. Is it a Speedo, like Michael Phelps? I don't think so, no. These were shorts, I think. Like go to the beach shorts. But I felt like, you know, he really valued my opinion because he was saying how the towel doesn't dry. And I said, why don't you get one of those quick drying towels? Well, I was about to suggest that myself. And you know what? They did. And has that helped? Well, this is the thing. They would come back to work, hang up their clothes and towels. Yeah. Actually, this is why he did it. this is why they did it yes i'm waiting okay so the reason the reason that they the cobwebs are clearing folks i wish you could see this i wish you could see the look on her face as she remembers.

[5:51] What she's been trying to tell us because we're getting there we are so close, we are at that last stretch in central park before you cross the finish line when you run the marathon Okay. I don't know that from experience. It's clear of me now. So they didn't want to bring their wet stuff home. Oh, they want to. They wanted to dry it. Overnight dry it. Overnight dry it at the cubicle. So they did that. Yeah. And sooner or later, our manager approaches them. Yeah. And says, Phelps, you've got to stop. What's with your laundry line? You've got to stop hanging up your bathing suit in the cubicle because the cleaning crew complained. Did they? Yes. That's weird. I mean, I guess. Maybe it was dripping everywhere. I don't know. So they said you just can't hang up your swim trunks anymore at the cubicle. So after that new rule, after that happened, I think their excitement died down a bit and they stopped swimming. 86 hopes and dreams, am I right? Yeah.

[7:09] Sorry. Jeez. Get a grip. So our boss killed Phelps' spirit, and he never swam again. Well, I mean, I get that, but... If I were to play devil's advocate on this one, I would say to you, maybe his spirit wasn't that strong for swimming, if that's all it took, was that he couldn't hang his wet clothes and his cubicle. I think it was a phase. I think it was a phase. I think so. I'll ask them. Report back. And I'll report back. It's also like it didn't sound super practical, any of it. Like getting there, the disrobing, the suiting up, swimming, reverse, get back. It wasn't, but the thing about Phelps is they make everything look so easy. Whether they're writing, you know, they'll literally be reading the New Yorker magazine all day journaling. I don't know what they do all day. And then suddenly they come up with two 1,000-word articles, like in the space of a couple of hours. So they're very efficient. I wonder if they have a digital aid. No, no, no, no. Come on, get a grip. No.

[8:29] That's not B. Phelps is very smart. Smarter than me and a faster writer, apparently. A cubicle, clothesline, maybe they should invest some of that New Yorker magazine time into marketing that as a product for people. I guess. Like an ad scene on TV. But Phelps is on to bigger and better things. Could be a breakout. Phelps now takes tap dancing lessons.

[8:57] Okay. The reason I mentioned Michael Phelps. Why did you? What were we talking about? Okay. Okay, so let's reintroduce the segment called What Phelps Had for Lunch.

[9:09] Music.

[9:15] So our days are very boring dull is this another phelps story i'm trying to get to the lunch story okay but we digress to the swimming and you wanted to call them phelps and me oh yeah you're right yeah okay i don't know if you've heard of this but there's a company or some restaurant i don't know i wasn't listening properly that collects all the lunches in the city oh i've done this before Wait a second. Tell me more. Yeah. And then like sells them for much cheaper, but it's like later in the day after lunch. So it's like you get a $15 salad for like $5. It's a good deal. The only caveats are that A, you can't get this lunch until like 3 p.m. Okay. So at 3 p.m. Phelps rushes off. And gets old food. It's not old. It's not old, it's extra. It's extra. It's perfectly, it's good food, and it's all, you know.

[10:23] It's all food.

[10:28] Maybe you should sign up for this. Is it called Meal Pass? I can't wait till three and I only eat breakfast. I skip lunch. I just have a banana. That doesn't sound like a good fit for you. So, but the other caveat is you can't choose the lunch. Right. So you buy your lunch and you get what you're given. And that's it. You get what you get and that's it. That's right. So when Phelps comes back at 3.15 or 3.30 p.m., it's always a big reveal. What is Phelps Lunch today? Wow. So you actually work in the show Severance. Yeah. I do i do except you remember yeah unfortunately you are not severed i'm not severed we wouldn't have a podcast if i was would we we would be missing a lot should i mention that they do give fruit as treats at your workplace or in severance both well yeah okay, You have. At this point, you have, so keep on. Well, anyway, I might cut it out, but we do get fruit. Bananas. Why are you saying fruit? Oh, honey, why do you have to say bananas? Now you've given it away. I don't think I've given anything away. No, we can't. We can't say bananas. Okay, sorry. Scratch that and just say tropical fruit.

[11:54] Shaped like an eggplant. Okay. But skinnier and yellow. Where was I? A lot like a plantain, but not. You're talking about Phelps's $5 salad. Right. But it's not necessarily a salad. It varies day to day. And Phelps gets very excited, as I do, to show me the surprise of what he got for lunch. What he gets for lunch every day. I might need you to start texting me. I will. Today, it was a disappointment. What was it? They got this like lentil slop, like there was quinoa, lentil, some kind of soup that's really a stew, and Phelps wasn't happy about it. Sounds. But Phelps wasn't happy the day before either because they got a salad, and it was like the second or third day in a row that they gave Phelps a salad. Mm-hmm. So it's always like part of the thrill is how unpleasant is the lunch going to be? Or is it going to be good? You almost want it to be bad. Has it ever not been bad? It's never bad food. No, I know, but has he ever been pleased with it?

[13:13] Maybe he enjoys the suffering. I think he enjoys. No, but part of the fun is being disappointed in what you get.

[13:20] Music.

[13:26] Well, we've had some updates, and let me tell you, it's been shocking. Has it, though? Has it been shocking? Well, I was surprised. I was mildly surprised. Okay, well, let's—we're going to— Okay, go ahead, reveal. Roberta's DNA test results have arrived.

[13:50] Music.

[13:57] Now, on our last episode, I think it was our last episode, we were talking about our cat Roberta and that she had all the signs of a Bengal, of having a Bengal. And those signs were high energy.

[14:15] Bengal is a breed for those of you. I would imagine our audience skews heavily into cat lovers. That's true. So. Markings. Yeah, so she had markings. She loves water. She's very energetic, very fit, very athletic. Lean. Lean and athletic. And a killer. And there were rumors that her father was a Bengal. At the docks, down at the docks where she came from. Down at the docks where she came from. She came from a tough, she had a tough childhood, tough babyhood. Infancy. A tough infancy. Anyway, her DNA results are in. Yep.

[14:58] And I'm surprised to report that she is not. She has no Bengal in her. Zero. Zero Bengal. But I. She's like American domestic short hair. She's a basic bitch. She is as basic as it gets. 20% domestic American short hair, you know, like 30% British short hair. She does have some, what was it? There was some Norwegian. Norwegian, some Norwegian. Where are the results? Should we get scientific? Yeah. We believe in science in this house. We do believe in science. Hold on. Listen, I'm going to admit, I never believed as strongly as you did. I thought maybe there'd be a little bit. Mm-hmm. Maybe. But having seen a real Bengal recently in D.C. That was out for a walk at the park, I was like, oh.

[15:55] Listen, A, we never said she was full Bengal. We said her father was Bengal, and we never even knew if he was full. Yeah, but she— Second of all, Bengals come in different colors. They don't all look like that spotty leopard print. That's true. Okay, so the results say 64% American domestic cat, 100% good cat. 13% Norwegian forest cat. Yes. Forest cat. Norwegian. And the other thing is, when we looked up these breeds, they really didn't look anything like Roberta. They all have really fluffy hair. Yeah, so, but you know what? Go ahead, say it. I love her more than I ever have. You love her even more. I love her even more. If it's even possible. Because she's so unique and yet doesn't come from any kind of... Royal lineage or anything like her cousin, Roger. She's a self-made feline. OK.

[16:58] And that brings me to a new segment called? Called jokes.

[17:05] Music.

[17:11] So this is coming from the gnome family. Long time listeners, new listeners, send us your jokes. We'd love to. We'd love to hear your jokes. To put them on the pod. Let me just say, maybe they don't understand. There's a... Oh, because we get so little fan mail? Well, don't give that away. But I would like to say that on... For example, if you have Apple Podcasts, at the very top of the summary of our podcast, a show notes, I should say, is...

[17:50] Help, send in help look we are trying to tell a joke it's 9 20 on a wednesday night give me a break what was i i don't know you were gonna explain where people can email, but i just was trying to tell a joke click on the purple purple words purple letters, Click on that and you can send us a message. Send us jokes, questions. Okay, go ahead. And thank you for doing that housekeeping. Thank you. As some people say. That isn't the joke. Okay, go ahead. From the gnome family. Here it is. What do you call a cat police force? What? Do you want to try to guess or think about it? A cat police force. I don't want to bore the audience I just want to know, Claw enforcement. That's good.

[18:56] Oh, all right. Wow, that was really well received. It was. That's really good. Can I give you one? A joke? Yeah. Yeah. Why did the ghost get pulled over by the police? He wasn't wearing a sheet belt. Don't act like you haven't heard the joke before. Of course I've heard it. Let me say the punchline. Okay. Next joke. Next joke. What do you call a mummy who eats biscuits in bed? Crummy mummy. Yeah. I know those jokes because those are your two jokes. That's it. Those are the two. There's also the salt joke. That's the three. We'll save salt joke for next time. Yeah, I've got to write it down for next time. It's a long one. Salt joke. All right, what else do you have on your... My docket. On your docket. You're the one with the docket over there. Well, why don't you tell me what's going on with Danny DeVito slash the Trump doll slash... Well, there's not much.

[20:04] There's frankly no development on my part. So let me just remind the audience. There's a house with a, there was a huge Trump inflatable doll that looked a lot like, was kind of the same height and shape as Danny DeVito. And what else was there? Flags? There's a there's a on the like little balcony, make America great again flag, Trump, Vance, whatever, save America again, it might even say. And then in the heart of like Carol Gardens, Carol Gardens, Brooklyn. Yep. And then it's also lined with American flags. That's always been there. And then the Danny DeVito Trump doll inflatable has come and gone. Okay. I've looked up any news relating to it. Mm-hmm. So I don't know if they chose to remove it or someone chose for them. Mm-hmm. That someone, if that was the case, was not me, unfortunately. Mm-hmm. So that window has closed. Mm-hmm. I'm glad it wasn't you. I mean, that person's probably behind bars right now.

[21:15] Doubt it. Okay. I doubt it because I've been checking. There's not much camera. You know what I haven't considered is the across the street cameras. Right. That's always the ones that people get caught on in my programs. Or, you know, street cameras like from. There's lots of cameras everywhere. There's cameras everywhere. You're right. That was short-sighted of me. Yeah. So the development is that.

[21:43] I have acquired six LGBTQIA, just six pride flags and six transgender flags. I think you missed a plus. I did, probably. We're allowed. Yeah. So I've got all the gays flag and transgender flag, and I'm going to distribute them. And my other thought has... You mean in the front yard? Somehow. My other thought is to get a water soaker, fill it with bleach. Oh, my God. And bleach the flag banner. The American flag? No, the Save America flag. Oh, okay. I'm not an animal. No.

[22:33] So that's the development. Okay. That's very creative. Well, I've had a lot of time. Filling a water gun with bleach. I yeah that's felt like a eureka eureka oh my god a eureka moment well you know the funny thing about the one of the reasons we decided to do this podcast so late in the in the evening on a weekday was because every time I tried to tell flaps a story yeah or she tried to tell me a story she would stop midway cut me off or cut herself off and say save it for the podcast no you know what i didn't say that i said save it for the pod okay which frankly makes me want to vomit my mouth a little bit when i say the pod so we couldn't even have a conversation so i decided You took some notes. I took some notes. But anyway, you had, we took the car, you took the car for inspection. You apparently had a story about that. Should we call it the car inspection story? No. No. Different. Okay.

[23:50] I'm going to call this section, what happens under the hood stays under the hood. Love it.

[23:57] Music.

[24:03] So we discussed the new car, one of our episodes. Anyway, 2025 car. So I went and took it. And because our sticker was needed replacing, he was like, that'll be 20 minutes. Why don't you wait? I'm like, cool. Since it was a new car, it wouldn't take long. So come back. Everything's fine. As to be expected, thankfully. Brand new car. But he did say he had seen evidence of some rats under the hood. Fuck me. and do you remember we had that little mouse that was our roommate for a little bit yeah and our fit.

[24:41] So and i don't know what encouraged him to keep going about the rats but maybe my, shock response or i don't know but he it whatever it was he saw in me a willing listener and wow did he tell me some tales oh no do i want to hear this well this is an interesting aspect of the story is that he said he sees this all the time it's not uncommon and that it's gotten a lot worse lately i'm like oh yeah the pandemic covid the food sheds blah blah he said yes but also cars the wires in the hood are start under the hood are starting to be made with peanut oil this is what he said and it and it attracts the rats that's so dumb why would they do that and that a lot of hondas have had to be i think you said honda specifically had have had to be recalled.

[25:38] Okay, so he's going on about it, this old timer, right? I thought this was supposed to be like an uplifting? I don't know why you'd think that. Okay, go ahead.

[25:50] Well, now I'm just thinking that time the car was making noises every time we pressed on the brakes? No, no, no, no, no, no. You think that was a rat that got stuck? No, no, no. Let's all calm down. All right, go ahead. No, it wasn't that bad. Did he say there were rats in our car? No, no, no, no, no. He did. No, he didn't. He said there was evidence of rats. Under the hood. They're not in our car. But yes, there had... Well, under the hood is in the car. Well, it's not in our space. Did he look under the hood? Did he find any? Of course he looked. No, there was no rat in there. They don't... A rat had been in there, but it was not currently in there. There was rat droppings. okay oh god but it's i i mean this isn't uncommon i know it's just go ahead it's not great go ahead it's not something you want to think about but it well i just don't want a little rat.

[26:48] Nibbling away on one of our wires and then our brakes suddenly don't work well that's a story you've just made up okay go ahead yeah he said nothing about brakes not working like let's all calm down i'm just trying to tell a little new york city story okay go ahead but i also found it pretty interesting, the peanut oil, and I have not fact-checked that. But a co-worker today said same thing happened to him, and he said soybean oil. Seed oils, baby. He has a Honda, too? I didn't ask what kind of car. Did it get recalled?

[27:24] He said a rat chewed through his brakes. Shut up. Okay, he didn't say the brakes. He did say he had to get some repairs. But listen, Let's get back to me and this guy talking about the rats. Okay, go ahead. Then some other guy wanders up. I'm guessing... Yeah, he worked at the garage, too. But then he starts giving me all of his rat stories. And I was actually getting chills, like physical, literal reaction, because it was just, like, too much. So this guy tells me, this woman brings her car in, it gets work done, whatever. Then she parks it on a Thursday. It was, like, had just been in the shop Thursday, parks it, goes to drive it Monday, and it's just not driving right. And she's like, guys, I don't know what's going on. Like, I haven't driven it. I got to bring it in. She brings it in. And under the hood, it's a literal rat's nest, which I never knew the meaning of that term until he showed me the pictures. And it's just like a bunch of pile of anything, leaves, garbage, trash, all under the hood. And a rat had given birth to 15 babies.

[28:38] And there were 15 hairless pink little babies in that rat's nest. And he's showing me all. This wasn't one picture. It was like so many pictures. I'm like, what the fuck am I looking at and why? And why are you still there? I was spellbound. You were spellbound by all the rest of the stories. Well, I think probably a lot of our listeners have switched off at this point. Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing space with me, holding space. Yeah. With me and these South Brooklyn mechanics and all their tales. Well, I'll be honest with you. I wish you never told me the story. There it is.

[29:20] Music.

[29:27] What else is on the agenda? Oh, well, Flaps McGee went finally back to the office after years of working from home. How was that, Flaps? Well, I've been back to the office since COVID. But now I have to go back to the office three days a week. Three days of your choosing. Yeah. For however long I want. It's a tough break. But let me tell you, it was still, it's just, yeah, it's completely not a big deal. But it is a shift. It is a shift. Of identity. Mm-hmm. But if I'm honest, I think most of us kind of like that. Yeah. For now, it's a honeymoon phase. It was nice to see you dressed. Yeah. And. I dress. I just don't wear my four items of clothes that are like outside clothes often. I need some clothes. Right. Well, I'm done shopping for you. That's fine.

[30:38] Well, what kind of made me a little happy? I'm not happy. You were thrilled. And you're still thrilled. You said you were tired. You said, oh, God, I'm really tired. I was because it was like we were all manic at work. We were all talking so much. And it just made me feel better about myself because I'm always so exhausted when I come home. Yeah. And I feel like I almost have nothing left for my family. Right. And I feel bad about it. Yeah. But it turns out everyone feels like that who goes to the office. I thought it was just me and I was weak. No, you shouldn't judge yourself like that. Thanks. It's a hard break out there. Yeah. Hard knock life. It is.

[31:24] I will say that I think return to office is going to lead to 40% less productivity out of me. No, no, wait, 60%. I agree. I did zero of zero things today. I agree. I feel like people are much more productive at home. I was just walking around drinking coffees, popping LaCroix's. Yeah, well, you have a good thing. Bullshitting with people. Yeah. Yeah. It must be nice to have colleagues you can talk to. It's very nice. I really like my coworkers, but I'll tell you what, not much got done today. And by not much, I mean nothing. Well, I didn't do anything today either at work. Well, I went to a meeting and just fixed a few things, but I really spent the majority of the day just watching YouTube videos on synthesizers.

[32:22] Did you hear about Cory Booker? No, what happened? Well, nothing bad. Something good. He delivered a 25-hour speech. 25 hours? Straight. 25 hours? Yes. Straight. Love it. So what do you think about that? Was he standing? Yeah, I think so. He stood for 25 hours? Yes. Did he get water breaks? Bathroom breaks? He probably had water. I am not sure about that. A little bottle under the... No bathroom breaks. No bathroom breaks for 25 hours. Do you think he was wearing an adult diaper? Yes. Or just pissing his pants.

[33:07] I don't think he pissed his pants. I know.

[33:13] Yeah. Do you think you could do it? Did he do it on TV? Yeah. So he was standing for 25 hours. Yes. Yeah. What did he talk about for the whole time? Well, I didn't see any of it, but I think he just was. Glad it worked. I think he just, you know, talked shit about Trump. Right. Talked truth to power for 25 hours. Well. World record. Is that a world record? Yes. Well, it's an American record. I'm not sure. Really? Good for him. Okay, listen.

[33:45] He told reporters before he started speaking he had not drunk water since Sunday night, so he would not have to stop and use the bathroom. And he also said he fasted for days leading up to the speech. So all these things, I wonder, was he a little manic? He might have been. But that's not, it worked. It was a good use of mania. Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm. Go a little manic, talk for 25 straight hours about Trump. Mm-hmm. Call it a day. Yeah. Get something to eat. Now, what about these poor reporters? They were there for 25 hours, or did they just press record? They probably tag in and out. Press record on their camera and went to bed? That's a good question, but I don't think they did the 25 hours as well. I could be wrong. Wow. Oh, look, a doctor woke up to a lot of messages from other doctor friends speculating whether he was wearing an adult diaper.

[34:44] But his communications director told NPR that he was not wearing a catheter or a diaper. Wow. I love that this is the takeaway from his 25-hour speech. This is the New York Times article. Anyway, this is my takeaway. He spoke for 25 hours, and he may or may not have had an adult diaper or a catheter. Well, it's a real hot topic, and I just want to be clear. This is what I have found interesting. This isn't all they reported on about it, but the other stuff I figure everyone knows. And we aspire to educate on this podcast. We do. And maybe it's stuff you don't care to know or you're too embarrassed to ask and seek the answers to. That's where we come in. Yep. So.

[35:39] Else. But you know, he's vegan. I don't know if you know that. Or was vegan. I'm not sure if he still is, but I feel like he's used to maybe light starvation. I think the water deprivation is a little more concerning than... Well, it wasn't three days. It was, I guess, 24 hours, maybe 48. So he was on death's door with a full bladder. Wow. I mean, he's a regular... Gandhi, isn't he? He's a strong man. I mean, he's got a little, he's got a little, he's animated when you see his performance. He has his arms crossed. His eyes are wide. He was fired up. And I'm, you know what? This happening also the same night or on the heels of the Wisconsin victory when Musk, when a big old cheese ball took down Musk. I was really happy to see that Tesla's stocks went down 13%. But anyway, well, it was an inspiring performance.

[36:50] And I guess it just makes me say, what a world. What a world. You know, what a world. If ever there's a time to say that, it's now. Yeah. Well, I love you. Oh, Thank you. Me too. What a world.